Back Home in Minnesota...now what?

"What's happening with your blog now that you are in Minnesota?"

This is the question that seems to be on everyone's minds (including my own) since returning to the United States five weeks ago. In truth, I still haven't figured it out exactly. I am not sure if I will want to continue blogging here or if I will need to be more anonymous because of my profession. Although, apparently several of my 8th grade students this past year read my blog the entire school year without my knowledge... so there can't be that much I shouldn't be saying. Anyway, the point is this blog will have to evolve with me as I try to make a life for myself here in Minnesota.

Oh wait, you thought I had a life for myself back here in Minnesota?

Weird, so did I.

"You take a snapshot of your life the last time you leave someplace,

and, I don't know, it's dumb, 

but you think it's never gonna change."

[party of five]

What I am in fact learning is that I have a whole lot happening in Minnesota that involves things I would typically do on vacation. I travel around - including a long weekend in Milwaukee for Summerfest concerts, a week-long family vacation to Colorado and a bachelorette weekend in my old college town of La Crosse. I go to happy hours and out to eat to re-connect with friends and family. People come into town to visit me - HI KELSI. Turns out for the past three years, and really the last seven including college, Minnesota has been a place I come home to visit, not a place I live.

Now, I live here. I work here (or at least I will come August 27th!). And I am 100% in love with that...but I need to make it livable. I need routines. My friends have work out routines. They volunteer. They have people to watch Monday night TV shows with come September. They have made new friends. They play on summer kickball or softball teams. In essence they have whole lives here that haven't really had much to do with me for the last three years. As exciting and fabulous as it is to come back and re-connect with them and realize our friendship is still just as important to both of us, they have other things to do than follow me around while I try to make this place my home.

Much of this routine-building will come more naturally once the school year begins and I am back to being working. As terrified as I am of teaching three types of math, two of them for the first time, at a brand new school with new colleagues and new students, the routine will be nice. And honestly, the idea of creating new memories, new friends, new teams, and new routines is exciting, thrilling and exactly what I was looking for when I made the decision to come back to Minnesota. Now I just need to make it happen! And until then... I guess living the vacation life enjoying this Minnesota summer isn't quite so bad. ;)

On Solo Dates: Finding Balance Between Busy & Lonely

I said in March I would fulfill my 2012 goal to go on a solo date by myself, so this past Saturday I did just that. I woke up on Saturday morning to an empty apartment, as Kelsi had already left for the Destination Imagination tournament at school, made my breakfast and waited for the time to leave for yoga.

Here's the thing though. I'm not very good at waiting. Patience might be a virtue, but it isn't really one of mine. Hashtag understatement. I'm hopelessly always five ten fifteen minutes late for things because I don't want to waste my time by showing up early with nothing to do. I'm always trying to squeeze in one more thing before I get there/leave the house. In college, I was totally that girl biking furiously to class, narrowly missing casual walkers on the sidewalks of La Crosse, Wisconsin because once again I took too long to get out of the house/stayed talking to someone at work/stopped to say to a friend/just was late.

On Saturday I learned a new reason why I don't like waiting - it makes me nervous. I thought to myself: I could just stay here and do yoga in my apartment. What if the class is cancelled for whatever reason and I go all the way there just to turn around? What if I feel awkward being the only English speaker without Kelsi and Mandi there with me? What if I cannot figure out how to walk to the restaurant I want to go to for lunch without getting lost in between the twists and turns of Cali neighborhoods?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. Here I am claiming to be this honest, independent, free-willed, 24-year-old woman and I can't even go to yoga and lunch by myself. That's it. I have to go now. If only to prove to myself that I can. (Patience might not be one of my virtues, but you bet that determination damn well is.)

And so I went. I showed at 10:00 AM for a 10:15 class to find a locked door and no lights on in the studio. I knew it!! Why did I convince myself that this was a good idea? Then a woman in her car on her cell phone asks if I am there for class.  I say yes and she explains the teacher is on her way. Minutes later the teacher shows up, we all go inside, and enjoy a wonderful yoga class with only the five of us. Afterward, the teacher asks how long I have been in Cali, what I do here, etc. Since there are only five of us, we exchange names and stories before parting ways. (Note to self: Introduce yourself to the people you are going to be sweating next to for the next two hours and it makes yoga class much more personal.)

Then I walk myself straight out the door and through the streets of Cali - two blocks uphill and one very giant staircase later and I have reached the next neighborhood without having to go the long way around via the river. Success! Now for some lunch....

The time is 12:30 PM now. Turns out the Liberia Nacional, my lunch spot of choice because we have all been wanting to try it, does not open until 1:00 PM on Saturdays. Awesome. I consider just throwing in the towel and walking to the Subway on the river road. And I almost do. But can you really count it as a solo date if you take yourself to Subway? I think not, so here I am waiting again. I took out my iPod and caught up on the blogs I read - namely the latest headlines from MLB and Twins blogs.

At 1:00 PM I went in, feeling quite awkward that they literally just opened and here I am for lunch 30 seconds later. I proceed to browse the shelves for 10 minutes before my hunger won out, and I sat down to lunch at a table for two. I totally wanted to sit in one of the four person comfy-looking booths but felt as though that might draw more attention to my solo-ness. Maybe next time. So I sat there, ate my chicken/apple/candied walnut/blue cheese salad and drank my frappucino. I read a bit of my book, I'm A Stranger Here Myself, about a man returning to live in the United States after spending 20 years in England. I laughed out loud to myself at the funny parts. I reflected on what it will be like for me to live back in the United States after three full years of just visiting. I people-watched and made up stories in my head about what their lives are like. I didn't check my email. I didn't text anyone. I didn't make conversation with anyone besides the waiter. I didn't try to fit in my bites of food around the flow of conversation.

At home later that day I told Kelsi all about my solo date - how I almost didn't go and then realized how silly that was because it was awesome! I realized that while I love to spend time with the people I love and care about, I also love spending time with me. I realized that I don't do that as often as I need to because I am scared of feeling lonely. In a world of constant connectedness and communication, I am still scared of feeling lonely without another person there in the flesh.

Now I get it. This is why I am so busy. This is why I go to bed every night an hour two hours later than I should. This is why I never say no when a friend asks me for help with something. This is why I have Skype dates that start at 9:00 PM on weeknights. This is why I say "yes" to 99% of the things that are asked of me. This is why I take on responsibilities at school and refuse to delegate, even though I could.  This why everyday I feel like I can barely catch my breath as I run from place to place. This is why I leave my door open for students to come talk to me during break and lunch, even though technically it is my break and lunch time as much as it is theirs. This is why I usually work through my lunch hour even when students don't come in to ask me questions. This is why I have a Google calendar that syncs to my iPod, so I don't forget any of the commitments I have made. This is why I have a constant to do list - separated into "life" things and school things, inside my school agenda at all times.

It's 2012 and we're all busy people. We like being busy. The busy is what helps us lead full, happy, successful lives. The busy comforts us and reminds us that we are needed and cared for. That people love us and want to spend time with us.

But the busy is always what makes us stressed out, tired, exhausted, rundown, frustrated, impatient, worried, etc. And at 24 years old, I am not ready to make a commitment to a life that looks like that more often than not. I do not ever plan to list "frantically busy" amongst my best qualities, but instead I would like to say I arrive as a whole, rested, relaxed person to each new endeavor. That transition is probably going to take a million little baby steps, but it is one I feel 100% committed to for my life. In order to be the best me I can be, the best friend, daughter, sister, teacher, girlfriend, granddaughter, cousin, and godmother I can be - something's gotta give, you know? So for me, in 2012 that thing that's gotta give, or in this case gotta go, is my habit to be busy all the time and thus spread myself so thin that each thing or each person gets a second-rate version of me.

Cause I just spent a day with the first-rate version of me, and she's pretty awesome. :)

Now, excuse me while I go on a lunch/movie date with Kelsi - because every good solo date/solo day/solo time leads to a better adventure with the people we love.

Happy Monday!

About Me

Recently I added some additional pages to my blog, one of them being an about me page. I sat down to write it this week in about ten minutes... thinking to myself, how hard can it be, after all, I know myself better than anyone, right?

Right.

Except an about me page is probably the weirdest thing ever to try to write. We aren't conditioned to write about ourselves, about what makes us tick inside, about what makes us unique, about why you should even read what I have to say in the first place.

I went over to my about me section on Facebook looking for some inspiration. Turns out that wasn't any help, because it was something I wrote during my senior year of college two years ago. I deleted it immediately and then realized I had two about me sections to fill in instead of just one.

I guess I could just leave them blank. Who needs an about me section anyway? Either read or don't read, right?

Then again, at some point, at some age, at some place in life, shouldn't you be able to define who you are without having to think about it for too long? I mean, what makes me ME, anyway?

There are some things I do know for certain:

• Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who had one specific group of friends that held together through all the chapters of life. But when I think about the friends I have from so many different places and times in life - and the way they all blend together seamlessly when I bring them together, I am so grateful.
• I am passionate. About living. About what I believe in. About the power of our choices. About being the best version of myself.
• I will never be someone who travels full time or indefinitely. Minnesota isn't just a place I want to call home from ages 2-22, I want to call it home forever.
• That said, travel will always be a part of my life. I never want to lose that sense of adventure or that awesome sense of excitement/fear that comes from going somewhere new.
• I work hard to maintain my relationships and I demand the same in return. Even though I know it makes me selfish sometimes.
• For all my skepticism and sarcasm, I want "real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other-love" just like Carrie Bradshaw. ;)
• I make to do lists for the point of organization as much as I do for the feeling of being able to cross things off of them.
• Whether we have been friends for one year or 20, I will remember your birthday. I will most likely send you something in the mail if I cannot be there in person. And it will get there in time. In fact, probably early.
• I love my birthday just as much as I love everyone else's. So yes, if we are friends your calendar better have big circles around the date July 20. You don't need to plan me a party, buy me a present or do anything crazy, but you darn well better acknowledge it.
• I don't forgive and forget as easily as I wish I could.
• I have trouble showing people the side of me that doesn't have it all together.
• I look at each of my younger brothers with an overwhelming sense of pride and unconditional love. I will never stop striving to be the very best big sister I can be to them.
• I am scared of not having enough time with the people I love. If I could go back I would tell the 19-year-old me to call my grandma every single day I could have.
• I love math, but I am a teacher first and foremost because of the relationships I have with my students. Every kid needs to know that they matter and they need adults in their lives to remind them of that every day.
• That time when people are getting off work, heading home, going out to happy hour with friends, running errands, figuring out evening plans, putting some hot dogs on the grill with a beer in hand is my favorite time of day. It's like the "work hard" part of the day is ending, but the "play hard" part of the day is just beginning.
• I love quotes, dramatic television series and long conversations with old friends because the idea that someone else has been there is incredibly important to me.
• I want my relationships to mean something real, every day. Even if we don't talk every day or if we get busy and life happens. Even if we live in different places, I want it to mean something. I want it to mean that we will be there for each other, that we will support each other, that we will love each other.

Is this mess of haphazard bullet points everything you need to know about me? Is this what makes me ME?

In thinking about me here's the not-so-direct conclusion I came to. I will never be someone who can answer that question with the neat one paragraph answer I want for my blog. I am complicated in a million different ways. I am the sum (heyyyy math brain) of my experiences, my relationships, my parents, my choices and my life.

Going forward, I will change and stay the same in a million tiny ways every day, so here's what I know about me without a doubt.

Today matters. To me. For me. The choices, the attitude, the person I am. It matters. I matter.

...so who wants to write a one paragraph "about me" section for me?

Could you write one for yourself?

I can't be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design.

After a year and half in Colombia, the day-to-day of my life is much the same as any other 20-something with a full time teaching job. The everything-is-new-everyday feeling wears off eventually and it doesn't leave me with much to blog about on a daily basis. Yes, I could tell you about the new music I am listening to (Lori McKenna, new Matt Nathanson, Peter Bradley Adams, Trent Dabbs) how I am {embarrassingly} re-watching season one of One Tree Hill, how my students are stinking it up at learning geometry, how someone needs to take away my ability to online shop pronto and more... However, none of that seems particularly blog-worthy.

But this? This definitely does. One of my favorite bloggers (and fellow Minnesotan!) asked the question this week, what does it mean to be independent?

Short answer: To me, everything.

I want to do it by myself is pretty much my life theme. I want to plan the next vacation. I want to be financially independent. I don't want to spend my time delegating when I could just do it myself. I want to decide on the rules and have everyone else just follow them blindly. I don't want to lose myself in another person, relationship or experience. I want to go out there and work for my dreams. I want to accomplish something that means something. I want to be self-sufficient. I am fiercely protective of my heart. I want to think of all the reasons why perfectly lonely is perfectly happy. And I don't really want to ask for help along the way.

The thing is though...

Going at it all by yourself isn't really a great plan. At the end of the day, hard as it is {for me} to admit, we're human and that means we need each other A LOT. Actually, scratch that.

I need other people A LOT.

I need people to come home to at the end of the day. I need people who don't judge me for sassiness or a snarky attitude at the end of a long Monday at work. I need people who check to see if I got home safe at the end of the night. I need people to bounce ideas off of. To inspire me. To see something in me that I cannot even see for myself. I need people to remind me what I was like when I was young and nothing mattered more than going outside to play. I need people who can see the person I can be, the person I want to be, and help me get there. I need people to go to concerts with so we can sing at the top of our lungs and feel that rush of truly living. I need people {roommates} to sit on the couch with and watch Gossip Girl with. I need people to laugh until I cry with. I need people to travel with, to adventure with, to experience with. I need people to remind me that I need all these things. I need people to tell me it's okay to need all these things.

I need people to be brutally honest with me and tell me that independence isn't worth a damn thing if you aren't moving forward.

So I guess what I am saying is this: thank goodness I have people in my life who do all those things and so many more for me. Now I just need to get out of my own way more often.

Home?

"You take a snapshot of your life

the last time you leave someplace, and,

I don't know, it's dumb,

but you think it's never gonna change."

[Party of Five] 


For the past two months in Colombia I felt ecstatic at the idea of coming home for the holidays. I couldn't wait to board that plane back to Minnesota and spend "the happiest season of all" with my friends and family. I was excited for good friends, good conversation and that warm, fuzzy feeling that reminds you that distance doesn't mean anything when compared to life-long friendships.

In fact, I was so [naively] insistent upon this fact that I finished my family's 2010 Christmas letter with these words:

"Looking around I realized that these people sure don’t look like the ones from Christmas card photos past, but we remain forever connected in a way that truly only we will ever understand. So in 2010 that’s what I learned about time and distance – that your mom might not make your lunch everyday and you might not wake up the sound of your dad’s coffee maker but it doesn’t mean they are any less a part of you than they always were. Your family is your family and you are inevitably tied together by the memories you have from then, and from now."

I wrote that at the beginning of December when I could not wait to be back in Minnesota. Exactly halfway through my twelve day vacation here I frequently wonder what I was thinking. Why do we romanticize the past? Why do I think I have all these great relationships to come home to? Why do I keep trying to pretend that we all still matter to each other more than jobs, more than money, more than significant others or potential significant others, more than selfish pride? I mean, yes, some relationships are as good as they have always been and I love them and appreciate them more than I can ever express in writing. However, a distinct several are nothing like they once were.

Turns out time does change everything. So does distance. And you can't pretend you're 13 again and none of it matters. Cause it does. It matters a hell of a lot.

So in summary....Merry Christmas. This year I learned that Thomas Wolfe may have known a thing or two about life when he said you can't go home again.

Hurray for life lessons, growing up and adulthood.

Romanticizing the Good*

"And now that this scared little girl no longer follows me
wherever I go, I miss her.
I do. 'Cause there are things I wanna tell her...
To relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be okay.
I want her to know that meeting people who like you,
who understand you, who actually accept you for who you are,
will become an increasingly rare occurrence.
Jen, Jack, Audrey, Andie, Pacey, and Dawson.
These people who contributed to who I am,
they are with me wherever I go,
and as history gets rewritten in small ways with each passing day,
my love for them only grows.
Because the truth is... it was the best of times.
Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned,
but all of that has receded into fond memory now.
How does it happen?
Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good?
Maybe it's because we need to believe that
the time we spent together actually meant something,
That we were there for each other in a time in our lives
that defined us all,
A time in our lives that we will never forget.
I can't swear this is exactly how it happened.
But this is how it felt."
[Dawson's Creek]

In the Spanish language, the past tense is separated into two specific tenses, preterite and imperfect. Depending on the context, if something happened at one specific time in the past or repeatedly occurred in the past, you use a different tense. When I talk about growing up I begin the sentence with "Cuando era nina..." or "When I was a little girl...".

However, lately I feel like every sentence should begin with "When I was a little girl...". Life changes faster than we are ready for, in ways we can only understand in hindsight, and before we know it the lives we build for ourselves look everything and nothing like they once did.

And I miss things about those former lives. Like when the only thing I had to do after elementary school was go to Girl Scouts with my best friends. Afterwards my mom picked me up, we drove home the four minutes to my house and I watched Full House until dinner time. On Fridays I watched Boy Meets World and went to bed by 9:00 PM. I learned to read, to solve problems with long division, and that girlfriends are more important than boys with cooties.

Some days I would give anything to switch places with my 8th graders. They can only imagine the world that lies in front of them. They have no idea where they are going to fit into it because right now they don't quite fit in anywhere. I miss the thrill of talking to boys for the first time and figuring out that hey, maybe they could turn into friends after all. The feeling of having a huge group of friends constantly around to hang out with, cause they all felt like best friends at the time. The late night (10:00 PM...10:30 if we were lucky) rides home (from our parents) from friend's houses on the weekend. I learned that boys can come in between friends, but best friends will always work it out.

In high school I didn't really belong anywhere so I ended up with friends from everywhere. Elementary school, middle school, sports, work, church youth group, etc. I felt free, independent, but always slightly out of place. I didn't know what I wanted out of life, and when I did know I didn't admit it, because I knew it was different from the things everyone else wanted. I was a good girl - went to work, swim practice, school and my parents never had to ask if I got my homework done. I didn't sneak alcohol into my parents basement, I didn't ever try a cigarette "just because", and the one and only time I left school during the school day we went to eat lunch at Jimmy John's and felt incredibly rebellious. I took leaps of faith in friendships and relationships and sometimes it worked out and other times it didn't. I picked up the pieces more than once and at times put them painstakingly back together on my own. I developed a defense mechanism of sarcasm and quick-witted comebacks that remains with me today.

College felt different. I knew my place in the world and I left Eagan, Minnesota with an idea of what I wanted and how to achieve it. For the first time, I met people who grew up in different ways that I did, who learned differently than I did, and whose perspectives on life didn't always agree with mine. I studied hard and went to my 7:45 AM Calculus Two class every morning of fall semester freshman year. Then I needed a change. All the sudden my life felt different and I just needed to do something by myself. Chapters of my life came to an end and I packed my bags for a summer in Valladolid, Spain. I skipped around the city in black flats, drank calimocho (red wine & Coca-Cola) with my host family and for the first time, experienced a type of travel that wasn't limited to a Midwestern road trip.

I came home from Spain and stopped caring so much what others thought about me - I knew I could find friends anywhere. Friends who would love me, care about me, and invest just as much time in our relationship as I did. I wanted to do well in school, and I closed down the library on more one midnight showing. But then I went out on Tuesdays just because. Or drank margaritas even if Cindo de Mayo did fall on a Monday. I went frisbee golfing instead of going to Reading 328 just because the sun was shining and spring in La Crosse is gorgeous. I embraced my little freshman brother going to my college - and decided to use the time I actually get to know him as a person, not just the stunning natural athlete 15 months my junior. I learned to live fully. I went down to Third Street and danced the night away with girls who are beautiful to me inside and out. We brought along our friends, our boyfriends, our classmates, and we celebrated for no reason at all.

When I look back on these former lives I tend to remember the good, and forget the bad. Not that I block out the unhappy moments entirely, but they do not seem quite so important as they once did. Today I am a combination of these experiences and the people associated with them. I am a whole person assembled from so many different parts. My friends come from an increasingly diverse number of places, backgrounds and life experiences. We don't all eat at the same lunch table everyday, but we share our experiences over the phone, over email, or in cherished visits. Somehow the boys with cooties have become fixtures in our lives and one not-so-far-away day they will be fiances and husbands.

As I think about whether to head back to the States this year or maybe stay one more year in Colombia, I wonder how I will look back on this experience? Will I remember the good and forget the hard times? Twenty years from now how will this time have shaped my current life?
Just some food for thought on a Monday...
In other news, Happy the 106th-World-Series-doesn't-include-any-East-Coast-teams-day!

*Credits to Anna for inspiring this post and so many others.

"Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking"

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or give someone a second chance, something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. because it's only when you're tested, that you discover who you are, that you discover who you can be. The person you can be does exist, beyond the hard work, faith, belief, and beyond the heartache, and fear of what lies ahead.

[One Tree Hill]

There is a place in Cali called "Siete Esquinas" or Seven Corners, because it is a spot where literally seven different streets come together abruptly and then rush off in different directions to different neighborhoods. Sounds like the perfect conglomeration of madness that could only exist in Latin America, right? However, in all the madness of seven streets converging together without a single stoplight, I have never seen an accident there and everything seems to ebb and flow together.

Lately my life feels a bit like Siete Esquinas and it has made for a challenging two weeks. With the return to school and the beginning of the second (and final) year of my contract, the big question on everyone's mind is "Are you staying next year?" Yes, I agree it seems way too early to be thinking about this, but realistically we have to tell the director by December at the latest if we are coming back next year, and probably decide sooner than that if we need to start looking at options for future jobs. So even though my time in Colombia is barely half over, here I am thinking about what I am going to do next.

And that is terrifying.

Two years ago I was sitting in my apartment on 9th Street in La Crosse, Wisconsin asking myself the very same question >>> "What next?" At the time I thought about everything - Peace Corps, AmeriCorps, teaching abroad, teaching in Minnesota, grad school, volunteering abroad, teaching in a big city like NYC or Boston or Chicago. Eventually, through lots of self-discovery and talking to friends and family, I settled on teaching abroad in Colombia.

Twenty four months later and I haven't developed any clearer vision of what's next for me, my career, or my life. The options abound, and that is exciting because I truly love having a location independent job that doesn't tie me down to a specific city, country or continent. However, this means that narrowing the options is quite the daunting task. For 22 years our lives have such specific guidelines around the idea that we will grow up, go to school, graduate, then go to college, but then what? Where is the handbook on how to be a real person with a real job who makes real life decisions?

I thought the summer back in Minnesota would help me to figure it out. I went back to the place I call home, to the people who have known me for what feels like forever, and all I decided was I am not done exploring yet. I love Minnesota and everything about it. I just don't know if I am really to move back there right now and stay for a long time...I just haven't finished this journey I am on quite yet. In the mean time, that means I will probably do one of four things next year. In no particular order...

• Grad School - Where? Who knows! Somewhere in a big city that I can explore and somewhere with a good program in education. Lately I have been craving professional development, learning and being a student so this would definitely be a welcome change for me.
• Year 3 in Colombia - I love my job, my apt, and the country so staying would be simple, easy and there is still so much I want to do here and in South American in general. Upside - keep saving money, continue with a housing allowance that I get to save most of, get a round trip plane ticket to Minnesota paid for by my school, continue to develop as an international teacher. Downside - many friends are considering leaving and I don't know if I would like Cali as much without the people who have made this experience great so far.
• Teach in the US - Where? Again...who knows! Also somewhere in a city that I can explore. I would love to teach in public schools in a big city because I feel like I might need a change from the privileged private school thing for a bit.
• Another International Teaching Placement - Probably in Central or South America so that I can continue with the Spanish language thing and this culture I love so much. This would expand my diversity as an educator even more, challenge me to try new things and allow me to experience a whole new place. Downside - I feel like I just got settled with the whole Colombian visa, moving all my stuff here, learning the ropes, making new friends situation - am I really ready to try that again somewhere new?

In summary, those are the options I am most highly considering at this point in time. One of them needs to be chosen by December at the latest, and clearly I am not getting any closer to figuring it out, so weight in now please. All opinions welcome :)

Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging

One of my friends at work asked me at work this week about personality types. Before I even officially knew what mine was, I could have told you a lot about myself. I have always been pretty aware of my personality traits, both good and not so good, but I feel like I have become even more aware of them in the past year. Nothing like packing up your life and moving to a new continent to ignite some self-awareness. :)

I am a take charge person. As the oldest of four kids and the only girl, I take responsibility for things quickly and easily. I am a planner. (Understatement, I know.) I plan my lessons, my vacations, my weekends, and I stick to that schedule. I am loyal - in good ways and intense ways. I don't give up on people, on friendships, on relationships. If I commit to something I am in it for the long haul. I'm also bossy, sometimes judging and no matter how many times my mother tells me "Patience is a virtue", I know it isn't one of mine. I know what I want and I am going to go out and get it. I'm a dreamer.

Alas when I took the online personality test my friend sent, I was not surprised when the results determined me to be an ENTJ - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging personality. According to the description:

"As an ENTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. ENTJs are natural born leaders. They live in a world of possibilities where they see all sorts challenges to be surmounted, and they want to be the ones responsible for surmounting them. They have a drive for leadership, which is well-served by their quickness to grasp complexities, their ability to absorb a large amount of impersonal information, and their quick and decisive judgments. They are "take charge" people. There is not much room for error in the world of the ENTJ. They dislike to see mistakes repeated, and have no patience with inefficiency. They may become quite harsh when their patience is tried in these respects, because they are not naturally tuned in to people's feelings, and more than likely don't believe that they should tailor their judgments in consideration for people's feelings. ENTJs are very forceful, decisive individuals. They make decisions quickly, and are quick to verbalize their opinions and decisions to the rest of the world. Although ENTJs are not naturally tuned into other people's feelings, these individuals frequently have very strong sentimental streaks. ENTJs love to interact with people. As Extroverts, they're energized and stimulated primarily externally. There's nothing more enjoyable and satisfying to the ENTJ than having a lively, challenging conversation. They especially respect people who are able to stand up to the ENTJ, and argue persuasively for their point of view. There aren't too many people who will do so, however, because the ENTJ is a very forceful and dynamic presence who has a tremendous amount of self-confidence and excellent verbal communication skills. Even the most confident individuals may experience moments of self-doubt when debating a point with an ENTJ."

Pretty accurate, huh? This description matches me almost perfectly - in fact those of you who know me personally are probably laughing reading this because you can see all of those traits in me. When I got the link for the personality test, my friend made a comment, saying that knowing her own personality and the personality type of others helped her relate better to people. She understood what made them unique and so she could better understand how and why they approach situations in certain ways.

Just as I am very interested in different learning styles, taking this online test has made me even more interested in learning about personality types of my friends, family and really just anyone! Everyone is an individual, but that doesn't mean we don't all have a type?

So....what's your type?? Take the test and leave me a comment with the answer :)

My Life List

Back in January I told you all about my decision to create a Life List, a list of things I want to do in the next 20 days, 20 months, 20 years, who knows...but things I want to do, or need to do. Since January I have edited the list a bit, but for the most part it remains as I initially wrote it. The items on this list, big or small, remain important for me and for my life, so for right now these 58 things complete the list. The list will of course need to be updated and with those updates it will probably change from time to time.

The purpose of publishing this list is not because I need feedback or for others to agree with my list, but more to provide me a sense of accountability. Some of these things will be extremely challenging, so I need someone else out there to remind me that "hey, you said you were going to go to every Major League Ballpark, so get going" (Although that probably won't be one of the ones I need to be pushed into) I need accountability, to you and to myself. So here you have it, the entire list. Happy reading and happy weekend! Off to celebrate an early St. Patty's Day! Cheers!

waiting on the world to change (*thanks jm)

About 90% of the time I try to keep this blog full of the amazing, fabulous, positive things happening in my life and here and Colombia. Today is not one of those days.

Turns out the March blues are not just a result of snow turned into black, slushy, mush on the side of I-35 in the Twin Cities. The March blues happen everywhere, even in cities with daily weather of 82 degrees and sunny. How unfortunate.

• I bought a plane ticket home. For June. This is awesome, except what I really want is to sit down with my best friends & eat ice cream right now, not in four months.
• It's March. I have had the same 100 students since September. I tried, I really did. I have given a sincere effort to like all of them. At the end of the day, everything I know about supporting students, how they need positive role models, etc. is being tossed out the window because some of them are mean, and I don't like them and I don't know how to go about liking them.
• Tomorrow we have a meeting to "discuss" discipline for our students who snuck out of their rooms during our field trip. Seeing as how the administration did not need our opinions to decide which students would be allowed on the field trip, I don't really want to attend a meeting about what to do when the kids we didn't want on the trip in the first place acted irresponsibly.
• There are no dateable men in Colombia. As in zero. Nada. Zilch. I didn't come here to find a boyfriend, or to date, or anything, but I mean...really? I'm 22 years old. I just want a nice boy who happens to also love baseball to take me out to a nice dinner and share a bottle of red wine with me while we discuss our life plans to visit every Major League Ballpark in America. Is that so much to freaking ask?
• Speaking of baseball, for the past two years I have been at Spring Training in sunny Fort Meyers watching Joe Mauer take warm up swings. This year, millions of other girls are there instead while I read about it via Twitter updates. Super duper.

I think that's about all the "woe is me" action I can handle for one night. I am sure there was more but after one hour vent sessions with both Steph and Kelsi today, this is all I have left. I hope to return to joyful, shiny, bright, happy to be alive posting as soon as possible.

*Title courtesy of a John Mayer song. :) Love him.

new adventures & new goals

Last night I was talking to my friend Jenny as she was packing up her bags to study abroad for a semester near Perth, Australia. She is nervous, excited and anxious to get started with her adventure. In talking to her I was reminded of my own study abroad experience in Spain during college. I was so nervous to go out on my own on a trip with strangers to a foreign country with only a minimal ability to speak the language. Well, as you can tell, that trip was everything I wanted because my love to travel was only enhanced. Now I look to Jenny and I know she is going to have an absolutely fabulous experience. An experience that will probably change the way she looks at the world and the way the world looks at her. She is going to come back to Minnesota in six months a different girl, because experiences change you, they affect you, they challenge you, they make you redefine yourself - they alter you to the very core of your being.

I created this blog as a way to document my adventure of living in Cali, Colombia. When I set out to move to a foreign country six months ago, I sort of thought this would be my one "thing" I would do, my one "unusual", "out of the box", "risky" thing. After being here six months I have done so many amazing things, met some fabulous new friends and traveled to spectacular places.

Throughout these experiences, I have probably changed my mind about a million times about the direction my life will take tomorrow, next month, and next year.

I don't really have any answers yet, so don't look to this blog post if you are wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life...cause I have no idea either, sorry. What I have however decided, is that this adventure I have taken myself on is in no way my only, my first, or my last. Life is full of things to do, people to meet and things to be experienced and I plan to do as many of them as possible. I figure I can continue to live by the motto "You can sleep when you're dead" well into my sixties. ;) That being said I have decided to, under the inspiration of other bloggers and friends, create my very own Life List. Also known as a list of things I plan to accomplish in this lifetime. I cannot show you that list today because it is in now way complete or finished or anything, but soon. Sometime soon.
Here are a few things I know will for sure end up on the final draft:

• See a game at all 30 Major League Ballparks.
• Run in the Twin Cities 10 mile.
• Visit wine country in Argentina.3
• Learn to drive stick shift.
• Print and scrapbook the pictures from my study abroad trip to Spain.
• Meet Joe Mauer and take a picture with him.
• Give up pasta for one month.
• Take the SATC tour in NYC.
• Live in Uptown, Minneapolis, Minnesota.
• Live on Grand Ave, St. Paul, Minnesota.
• Kiss in the rain.
• Take a web site design class.

Anyone have other suggestions for me??? :)
Happy Monday!

In Search of My Word

As I said in my last post, I just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Her book gave me a lot of "food for thought", but the most intriguing part for me was her search for her word.

Let me explain...

Elizabeth is talking to her Italian friend, Giulio, about how Roman woman are always dressed up and fancy, while she herself is not. He responds with, "Maybe you and Rome just have different words." He goes on to explain that, "If you could read people's thoughts as they were passing you on the streets of any given place, you would discover that most of them are thinking the same thought. Whatever that majority thought might be - that is the word of the city. And if your personal word does not match the word of the city, then you don't really belong there."

They go on to discuss the words of many cities, including Rome (sex), the Vatican (power), New York City (achieve), Los Angeles (succeed), Stockholm (conform), Naples (fight), before Giulio asks the ultimate question to Liz. "What's your word?"

She doesn't really figure it out until later in the book, so I will leave that for you to discover...however, I will say that this search for a personal word has inspired me to think of what my word might be.

What is my personal word? And does everyone just have one word for a lifetime? Or does your word change overtime? Is my word what I truly want it to be? Am I proud of the word that describes me?

I wish I could end this post with some sort of fabulous insight into how I discovered my word, but I really don't think I have. For awhile, I thought my word could be travel. However, travel doesn't really describe all of me, it just describes me right now. When Allison was here we discussed this and she thinks my word could be commitment. Which I am not entirely opposed to, as I do tend to commit to things whole-heartedly and then stick with them...it just doesn't feel like the perfect choice. Most people who have spent significant time with might toss out the word sarcasm in reference to me, but I don't think I am content with that as my life word either. So, in summary...the search continues.

I did however, do some thinking about other words. I think Colombia's word is prove. Fair or not, Colombia has something to prove to the world after a difficult history, and their efforts are quite apparent. Cali's word is most definitely salsa. Salsa rules this city - the culture, the language, the music, the bars, everything! Minnesota's word might be recreation...or un-complicated. Both seem to describe my home state quite well.

So...now the obvious question...what's your word?

Happy thinking!

Feeling Contemplative

For the life of me I could not sleep last night. (Probably because I lounged around all weekend trying to recover from NYC...) But still! I think part of the problem is I have been feeling quite contemplative lately...about basically everything in my life. Since my thoughts were random in and out of trying to fall asleep, I will try to capture some things with bullet points.

• Even if I teach until I'm 80 how am I ever going to feel like I'm doing enough? There is so much for students to learn - about math & life & slope & love & graphing on a coordinate plane & relationships & how in the world am I going to fit it all in? I need these kids of mine to change the world - I need them to inspire one another (& inspire me!) to fix the mistakes of the past and continue some of the good things we already have going on. How am I helping them to do all that?
• What about these students who just don't care one way or another? Are they happy in school? Do they absolutely dread each school day - and is there a better way to help them learn? When did the wonder & curiosity & joy of learning leave them? And how in the world do I get it back???
• The world is a big place. On a daily basis I hear about, read about, or think about new places I want to see. (Teaching with other teachers who love to travel doesn't really help this...) How am I going to ever feel like I have seen everything I could or want to? Who am I going to go on all these adventures with? Just a few places I am dying to see/visit: Boston, Australia/New Zealand, Argentina, Chile, Spain, California, Seattle, Colorado, every MLB stadium, etc. (yes I will see a game in Yankee Stadium even if it kills my soul...)
  
• On the subject of travel: there is nothing like perusing a guide book of a new country to make you realize you haven't even see the majority of your own country. I think I need to spend at least two weeks road tripping across the United States. This needs to happen within the next year. Next question: do I go east or west from Minnesota?
• In two years (yeah, yeah, I know it's still a long time from now...but these last 3 months have felt like 3 days!) will I be ready to move back to Minnesota? Can I handle packing up and starting somewhere new and starting over? Will I want to stay another year in Colombia? If I move back to Minnesota will I be so elated to be back with my family and friends that moving to any other place would seem silly?
• AND if I'm not back in Minnesota in two years, but instead somewhere else, at what point will the life I had there cease to exist as I remember it? In 2 - 3 years will I be the girl who has these awesome stories & adventures, but ends up at all my friends' weddings & baby showers & grad school graduations alone?

Whew! Told you there was a lot! In conclusion we will see where life takes me, I guess... Finally, I leave you with some life inspiration from today's email correspondence with my father:

There is no path to peace; peace is the path. -Ghandi