March 26, 2011

I can't be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design.

After a year and half in Colombia, the day-to-day of my life is much the same as any other 20-something with a full time teaching job. The everything-is-new-everyday feeling wears off eventually and it doesn't leave me with much to blog about on a daily basis. Yes, I could tell you about the new music I am listening to (Lori McKenna, new Matt Nathanson, Peter Bradley Adams, Trent Dabbs) how I am {embarrassingly} re-watching season one of One Tree Hill, how my students are stinking it up at learning geometry, how someone needs to take away my ability to online shop pronto and more... However, none of that seems particularly blog-worthy.

But this? This definitely does. One of my favorite bloggers (and fellow Minnesotan!) asked the question this week, what does it mean to be independent?

Short answer: To me, everything.

I want to do it by myself is pretty much my life theme. I want to plan the next vacation. I want to be financially independent. I don't want to spend my time delegating when I could just do it myself. I want to decide on the rules and have everyone else just follow them blindly. I don't want to lose myself in another person, relationship or experience. I want to go out there and work for my dreams. I want to accomplish something that means something. I want to be self-sufficient. I am fiercely protective of my heart. I want to think of all the reasons why perfectly lonely is perfectly happy. And I don't really want to ask for help along the way.

The thing is though...

Going at it all by yourself isn't really a great plan. At the end of the day, hard as it is {for me} to admit, we're human and that means we need each other A LOT. Actually, scratch that.

I need other people A LOT.

I need people to come home to at the end of the day. I need people who don't judge me for sassiness or a snarky attitude at the end of a long Monday at work. I need people who check to see if I got home safe at the end of the night. I need people to bounce ideas off of. To inspire me. To see something in me that I cannot even see for myself. I need people to remind me what I was like when I was young and nothing mattered more than going outside to play. I need people who can see the person I can be, the person I want to be, and help me get there. I need people to go to concerts with so we can sing at the top of our lungs and feel that rush of truly living. I need people {roommates} to sit on the couch with and watch Gossip Girl with. I need people to laugh until I cry with. I need people to travel with, to adventure with, to experience with. I need people to remind me that I need all these things. I need people to tell me it's okay to need all these things.

I need people to be brutally honest with me and tell me that independence isn't worth a damn thing if you aren't moving forward.

So I guess what I am saying is this: thank goodness I have people in my life who do all those things and so many more for me. Now I just need to get out of my own way more often.


doniree said...

<3 LOVE THIS! yes, you said it all so well, and threw in more I needed to remind myself. Finding the balance between 'losing yourself in another relationship' and being an active partner IN that relationship is a constant learning experience, and I think thats true of any kind of relationship, romantic or otherwise.

Bethany said...

Awesome post, I love it! BTW, what's the new Matt Nathanson music you're listening to? I've seen him in concert twice and he is AWESOME.

Related Posts with Thumbnails